CAR WARS
What would happen if Red Bull traded their drivers for Star Wars characters? Last year’s Monaco GP saw Team Red Bull invite George Lucas, Chewbacca and Darth Vader to watch the race. Oliver Pickup scours the galaxy to find the ultimate Star Wars Grand Prix drivers, and report how they would do at Monaco.
The selection process - who has the force?
Team Red Bull discounted some contenders immediately. Yoda, although a dab hand with the force, couldn’t reach the pedals, while criminal overlord Jabba the Hutt was also dropped as he couldn’t fit in the car, or indeed the track (RB boss Dietrich Mateschitz paying the grotesque giant slug off with a lifetime supply of the team’s drink). And so there were left five contenders: Han Solo; Chewbacca; Boba Fett; and, father and son combo, Anakin and Luke Skywalker.
Fuzz covered warrior Chewbacca created a fillip of excitement initially. Although he had exceptional skills when it came to starship piloting and repair, the big Wookie didn’t like going solo, without Solo. Besides, standing over two metres tall, Chewie found the car a slender fit, to say the least. With a parting roar to the bewildered pit crew, Chewie was sent baccing.
Boba Fett, a devious bounty hunter by trade, made the final cut, but was then withdrawn after Team Red Bull found a number of gadgets on his custom-made car. The gadgets would’ve enabled him to cheat and fatally wound other racing drivers, and although the team were impressed by his commitment to win at any cost, they couldn’t condone the gross misconduct. This wasn’t Wacky Races, after all.
Han Solo came close to selection, the Red Bull manager being impressed by his CV - he owned and captained the Millennium Falcon, ‘the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy’. Alas, as often the case with Solo and his chequered history, money was an issue. Still hounded by smugglers for numerous debts, he wanted the earth – literally – to take part in such a high profile event that would blow his cover.
Luke Skywalker had greatly impressed Team Red Bull at trials, and his background was reminiscent of a young Nigel Mansell. Mansell had been born and bred in Upton-upon-Severn, a small Worcestershire backwater, while farm boy Luke hailed from the desert planet of Tatooine. From their humble beginnings, they became F1 Champion and the greatest Jedi the galaxy had ever known, respectively. On the back of that bond Luke made the grade, and was selected as Red Bull’s secondary driver.
There was little debate over the first seat though, with Red Bull technicians amazed by the track record of Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker. Whilst a child slave on Tattoine, he had become the only known human able to compete in the fierce arena of podracing, and was snapped up and trained by the Jedi council. He became known as the greatest pilot in the galaxy, with ambition and competitive spirit to boot. Even though he was selected as the number one driver for Team Red Bull, some were wary, having heard of his impetuous and impulsive nature. With Luke and Anakin, Team Red Bull kept it in the family, as so many racing families do.
Practice and qualifying (25-26 May 2006)
Having had two hours practicing the tricky Monaco circuit on the Thursday, the Jedi’s received a rest day on Friday (an exception to the normal Grand Prix routine) to soak up the Mediterranean sun and sea, ensuring they were tanned, relaxed and ready to qualify on the Saturday.
The only minor preparation mishap to note was Luke’s lack of sleep through rooming with Anakin. Anakin’s bad sinuses, and consequential night-time heavy breathing, had deprived Luke of much sleep the previous three nights. Anakin denied any respiratory trouble in pre-qualifying press conference, claiming Luke was fond of ‘mind games’.
As the designated number one Team Red Bull driver, Anakin was the first of the pair to begin his qualifying laps. His brash and daring driving had been impressive during the practice rounds, however, come the race he knew there were limited passing opportunities through the narrow winding streets of Monte Carlo, so it was imperative to record a fast qualifying time, and cement a good place on the grid. Characteristically, Anakin fancied his chances, and boasted how he’d lead from the off, taunting some of the older drivers. He was found pacing, muttering that they stood no chance “against the power of the…” but then, he’d get asthma trouble again and have to be attended to by a mysterious cloaked member of his medical team.
Anakin began his first qualifying lap, booming through the starting line, he negotiated the first corner, Sainte Devote, at 95km/h in second gear, generating a G-force (which, after all his pod-racing experience, he was certainly used to) of 2.1. He accelerated through his gears to sixth, reaching 270km/h through the Beau Rivage straight, and up the hill towards the long left hand bend of Massanet.
With characteristic gusto Anakin floored the Team Red Bull F1 car round the Casino bend. Had he looked, he would have seen the majestic Monte Carlo Casino, designed by the same architect who had built the opera house in Paris, on his right, looming over the bend, but Jedis care not for such human frivolities. Instead he gritted his teeth as he zoomed through the sector end before taking the sharp right hand Mirabeau corner, and into Loews, the slowest hairpin in F1.
Braking hard into Loews, Anakin felt a G-force of 1.4, and bit his lip as he steered the sharp left bend in first gear, the car rattling with the force of the turn. After the slow right turn of Portier, also taken in first, Anakin floored the car through the tunnel - conqueror of Ayrton Senna and Michael Schumacher in years gone by - edging right, and into the quickest straight of the course. He reached 282km/h before slowing for the speed trap, Novelle Chicane, and then for the long left hand turn at Tabac.
Now feeling the pull of the course, Anakin steered around Piscine at 195km/h in fourth, and felt a G-force of 1.5 into the tight left of La Rascasse, before righting his car into the final bend, Anthony Noghes - named after the 1929 Automobile Club de Monaco’s president, who proposed the Grand Prix - and opened the car up in the final straight. He competed the 3.367km lap in 1:16.580, and could only manage an average of 2:33.330, after having trouble exiting the slow Loews turn. He vowed to do better, apologising to his master. Obi Wan told him to stop taking himself so seriously, but Anakin stormed into the pits, the red paintwork on a nearby Ferrari reflecting in his eyes.
It was good enough to gain fourth on the grid, behind fastest lap record holder Michael Schumacher (a five-time winner at Monaco), reigning F1 champion Fernando Alonso, and 2005 Monaco winner, the Finn, Kimi Räikkönen. As number two Red Bull driver, Luke reservedly and skilfully negotiated the Monaco circuit to gain sixth position on the grid, with the Italian Giancarlo Fisichella sandwiched between himself and Anakin. Despite pre-qualification claims he was finally ready to win his first Grand Prix, Brit Jenson Button found himself largely out of the running in seventh.
Grid positions
M. Schumacher, Alonso, Räikkönen, A. Skywalker, Fisichella, L. Skywalker, Button, Rosberg, Webber, Villeneuve, Montoya, Liuzzi, Trulli, R. Schumacher, Heidfeld, Speed, Albers, Monteiro, Sato, Barrichello, Massa, Ide.
The Race (27 May 2006)
As the cars lined up on the Monaco grid ready to commence the 78 lap race - the drivers revving loudly - Anakin’s competitive spirit kicked in, and his adrenaline began to pump. Many celebrities had turned out to watch the race, donning their
finest linen shirts and best poseur sunglasses, all discussing the surprise Red Bull entries. Among the champagne-sipping crowd were Brad and Angelina (who were later chastised for copulating in Schumacher’s car pre-race) and playboy Prince Albert and Princess Caroline of Monaco. Also in the crowd were the disgruntled pairing of Captain Kirk (William Shatner) and Dr Spock (Leonard Nimoy), infuriated that they weren’t even considered for the race - there were more Trekkie films after all. David Beckham was also spotted, unshackled from a pregnant pouting Posh, whom he had left looking after their other three children in Madrid.
Despite being off on a jolly, Beckham was a disappointed man, left to lament that
fellow-Brit Button was starting the race back in seventh place, appalling given the rich success that his countrymen had achieved at Monaco in the past. Indeed, Becks pointed out to the pretty supermodel beside him that it had been an Englishman, William Grover-Williams in a Bugatti, who had won the first ever Grand Prix here in 1929, and also how Graham Hill, father of Damon, had won the race five times to become known as the ‘Master of Monaco’. His patriotic moans were soon interrupted by the public address system. “Gentlemen, and Jedis, please start your engines.”
When the lights changed to green Anakin eased past Räikkönen at the first Sainte Devote corner, giving a cackle into his snotty helmet (his sinuses were still playing havoc) as he sped into third place. Similarly, Luke, who had used his team-mate’s slip stream, nipped in ahead of the Italian Fisichella before the bend.
After that initial bend, and barring a collision between the back runners Sato and Massa, the field soon settled into a shape that, because of the lack of opportunities to overtake, remained much the same until cars began to re-fuel at around the 35 lap mark. As race leader, the wily German technocrat Michael Schumacher had established a healthy margin between himself and the chasing pack, with the second-placed Fernando Alonso preoccupied with Anakin’s darting and aggressive attempts to pass him. Kimi Räikkönen and Skywalker Jr. followed close behind.
On lap 37 Schumacher headed into the pits, having established a ten second lead over Alonso and Anakin. Alonso held out for longer, with the aim to re-fuel a couple of laps later, in the hope that Schumacher’s progress, when behind him, would be stalled by slow back markers who were being lapped. When Alonso re-fuelled, Anakin raced clear, eating up the track. With less fuel in his tank and a clear track ahead, and having mastered the braking and control required through Loews, Anakin achieved the quickest lap time of 1:13.023, over a second quicker than Schumacher’s 2004 record. It was only until his team technicians had been shouting to him through his head unit for three laps did he finally, and reluctantly come in to re-fuel.
The pit stop was quick, much to Anakin’s delight, however he lost precious seconds exiting the pit lane, as Aussie driver Mark Webber had stalled his Williams-Cosworth. Livid in the knowledge that Schumacher would have overtaken him, Anakin bolted out of the pit lane, when Webber eventually moved aside. Determined to catch the German leader, Anakin was throwing caution to the wind. So much so that, on Anthony Noghes, the final corner before the pits (luckily), he clipped a chevron, causing a 360 degree spin, before righting his car. The clip had caused his car to combust. Despite flames licking all around him, Anakin managed to manoeuvre the vehicle into the pits.
The mechanics managed to extinguish the fire, and the medical team ran to the smouldering driver’s aid, but they were ushered away by the cloaked doctor. The hooded physician mumbled incomprehensibles, while an eerie darkness fell over the entire track. Suddenly an electric explosion lit the Red Bull pits. Brad choked on his champagne, Shatner stopped his incessant moaning, and Angelina got dressed. From the smoke rose a black helmet-clad giant of a man, or was he more machine now than man? Anakin had reverted to Darth Vader, right hand man to the Emperor and the most feared character in the galaxy. And after all that anger management therapy, too.
While the newly re-formed Vader rejoined the race, Luke was making steady progress. Having overcome both Räikkönen and Alonso through a stealthy pit stop – in which he utilised R2-D2’s mechanical expertise ahead of the human hands of Team Red Bull – Luke began hearing familiar mechanical rasping in his earpiece. He felt a disturbance in the force, a sadness in his heart, and a buzzing in his ear that signalled the go-ahead to take control as the number one driver.
Luke sped ahead, tried to push thoughts of Vader to the back of his mind and concentrate on the task before him, instead of contemplating the endless ‘I told you so’s’ he’d get off Princess Leia about believing his father had mended his hell-raising ways. With a new found determination, the Jedi attempted to overtake race leader-Schumacher in the tunnel, despite the narrow track and tight turns. He’d navigated his way through the sharp corners of the Death Star, with Vader on his tail, no cover and guns surrounding him, so this was a cakewalk, he had told himself. Sure enough, displaying powers above and beyond the rest of the field, he passed the seven-time world champion to claim the lead.
Several corners behind him Vader sensed through the force, dark and dingy as it was on his side of the morality street, that Luke was pushing ahead, nearing victory, with only ten laps to go. Enraged, the Dark Lord of the Sith broke the strict FIA protocols that forbade him from using the force, sending a wall of tyres crashing down before Luke’s car. Skywalker swerved, almost losing R2 in the process, but regained control of the car, leaving the tyres flying hazardously on the tarmac behind him.
In a callous move, Vader elevated some unassuming Ewoks among the crowd and threw them, speeding towards his son in the distance. The Ewoks flew through the air, exchanging terrified looks as they hurtled towards the Jedi’s car. But then, in a move anticipated by no one (bar George Lucas and a nodding Steven Spielberg), the furry-forest-dwellers-in-transit were rescued by the towering Chewbacca, who had jumped down from the casino, where he had been cleaning up on the high roller black-jack table. Taking the Ewoks safely in his arms, Chewie then repelled them back onto Vader’s vehicle, where they set about grabbing and pulling away pieces from the torched metal.
The distraction of the Ewoks across his coachworks was taking its toll on Vader and desperate measures were needed to escape the hot fuzz. In a bold move he departed the Red Bull car beside the marina, and took control of George Clooney’s yacht, harboured nearby ready for the wedding festivities of Brad and Ange.
Launching it full force towards the track, Vader directed the vessel towards Luke’s speeding car at tremendous speed. Silence fell as members of the crowd put their hands to their mouths and waited for the inevitable collision. There was no way out.
Suddenly, from nowhere, the familiar sight of the Millennium Falcon swooped into view, firing at the oversized boat and exploding it – and its notorious pilot – into thousands of expensive pieces (which were later collected and auctioned on eBay). Onlookers commented that even from the sky above Monte Carlo, they could hear the raucous celebrations of Captain Solo, as Luke crossed the line and was hailed by the chequered flag.
What would happen if Red Bull traded their drivers for Star Wars characters? Last year’s Monaco GP saw Team Red Bull invite George Lucas, Chewbacca and Darth Vader to watch the race. Oliver Pickup scours the galaxy to find the ultimate Star Wars Grand Prix drivers, and report how they would do at Monaco.
The selection process - who has the force?
Team Red Bull discounted some contenders immediately. Yoda, although a dab hand with the force, couldn’t reach the pedals, while criminal overlord Jabba the Hutt was also dropped as he couldn’t fit in the car, or indeed the track (RB boss Dietrich Mateschitz paying the grotesque giant slug off with a lifetime supply of the team’s drink). And so there were left five contenders: Han Solo; Chewbacca; Boba Fett; and, father and son combo, Anakin and Luke Skywalker.
Fuzz covered warrior Chewbacca created a fillip of excitement initially. Although he had exceptional skills when it came to starship piloting and repair, the big Wookie didn’t like going solo, without Solo. Besides, standing over two metres tall, Chewie found the car a slender fit, to say the least. With a parting roar to the bewildered pit crew, Chewie was sent baccing.
Boba Fett, a devious bounty hunter by trade, made the final cut, but was then withdrawn after Team Red Bull found a number of gadgets on his custom-made car. The gadgets would’ve enabled him to cheat and fatally wound other racing drivers, and although the team were impressed by his commitment to win at any cost, they couldn’t condone the gross misconduct. This wasn’t Wacky Races, after all.
Han Solo came close to selection, the Red Bull manager being impressed by his CV - he owned and captained the Millennium Falcon, ‘the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy’. Alas, as often the case with Solo and his chequered history, money was an issue. Still hounded by smugglers for numerous debts, he wanted the earth – literally – to take part in such a high profile event that would blow his cover.
Luke Skywalker had greatly impressed Team Red Bull at trials, and his background was reminiscent of a young Nigel Mansell. Mansell had been born and bred in Upton-upon-Severn, a small Worcestershire backwater, while farm boy Luke hailed from the desert planet of Tatooine. From their humble beginnings, they became F1 Champion and the greatest Jedi the galaxy had ever known, respectively. On the back of that bond Luke made the grade, and was selected as Red Bull’s secondary driver.
There was little debate over the first seat though, with Red Bull technicians amazed by the track record of Luke’s father, Anakin Skywalker. Whilst a child slave on Tattoine, he had become the only known human able to compete in the fierce arena of podracing, and was snapped up and trained by the Jedi council. He became known as the greatest pilot in the galaxy, with ambition and competitive spirit to boot. Even though he was selected as the number one driver for Team Red Bull, some were wary, having heard of his impetuous and impulsive nature. With Luke and Anakin, Team Red Bull kept it in the family, as so many racing families do.Practice and qualifying (25-26 May 2006)
Having had two hours practicing the tricky Monaco circuit on the Thursday, the Jedi’s received a rest day on Friday (an exception to the normal Grand Prix routine) to soak up the Mediterranean sun and sea, ensuring they were tanned, relaxed and ready to qualify on the Saturday.
The only minor preparation mishap to note was Luke’s lack of sleep through rooming with Anakin. Anakin’s bad sinuses, and consequential night-time heavy breathing, had deprived Luke of much sleep the previous three nights. Anakin denied any respiratory trouble in pre-qualifying press conference, claiming Luke was fond of ‘mind games’.
As the designated number one Team Red Bull driver, Anakin was the first of the pair to begin his qualifying laps. His brash and daring driving had been impressive during the practice rounds, however, come the race he knew there were limited passing opportunities through the narrow winding streets of Monte Carlo, so it was imperative to record a fast qualifying time, and cement a good place on the grid. Characteristically, Anakin fancied his chances, and boasted how he’d lead from the off, taunting some of the older drivers. He was found pacing, muttering that they stood no chance “against the power of the…” but then, he’d get asthma trouble again and have to be attended to by a mysterious cloaked member of his medical team.
Anakin began his first qualifying lap, booming through the starting line, he negotiated the first corner, Sainte Devote, at 95km/h in second gear, generating a G-force (which, after all his pod-racing experience, he was certainly used to) of 2.1. He accelerated through his gears to sixth, reaching 270km/h through the Beau Rivage straight, and up the hill towards the long left hand bend of Massanet.
With characteristic gusto Anakin floored the Team Red Bull F1 car round the Casino bend. Had he looked, he would have seen the majestic Monte Carlo Casino, designed by the same architect who had built the opera house in Paris, on his right, looming over the bend, but Jedis care not for such human frivolities. Instead he gritted his teeth as he zoomed through the sector end before taking the sharp right hand Mirabeau corner, and into Loews, the slowest hairpin in F1.
Braking hard into Loews, Anakin felt a G-force of 1.4, and bit his lip as he steered the sharp left bend in first gear, the car rattling with the force of the turn. After the slow right turn of Portier, also taken in first, Anakin floored the car through the tunnel - conqueror of Ayrton Senna and Michael Schumacher in years gone by - edging right, and into the quickest straight of the course. He reached 282km/h before slowing for the speed trap, Novelle Chicane, and then for the long left hand turn at Tabac.
Now feeling the pull of the course, Anakin steered around Piscine at 195km/h in fourth, and felt a G-force of 1.5 into the tight left of La Rascasse, before righting his car into the final bend, Anthony Noghes - named after the 1929 Automobile Club de Monaco’s president, who proposed the Grand Prix - and opened the car up in the final straight. He competed the 3.367km lap in 1:16.580, and could only manage an average of 2:33.330, after having trouble exiting the slow Loews turn. He vowed to do better, apologising to his master. Obi Wan told him to stop taking himself so seriously, but Anakin stormed into the pits, the red paintwork on a nearby Ferrari reflecting in his eyes.
It was good enough to gain fourth on the grid, behind fastest lap record holder Michael Schumacher (a five-time winner at Monaco), reigning F1 champion Fernando Alonso, and 2005 Monaco winner, the Finn, Kimi Räikkönen. As number two Red Bull driver, Luke reservedly and skilfully negotiated the Monaco circuit to gain sixth position on the grid, with the Italian Giancarlo Fisichella sandwiched between himself and Anakin. Despite pre-qualification claims he was finally ready to win his first Grand Prix, Brit Jenson Button found himself largely out of the running in seventh.
Grid positions
M. Schumacher, Alonso, Räikkönen, A. Skywalker, Fisichella, L. Skywalker, Button, Rosberg, Webber, Villeneuve, Montoya, Liuzzi, Trulli, R. Schumacher, Heidfeld, Speed, Albers, Monteiro, Sato, Barrichello, Massa, Ide.
The Race (27 May 2006)
As the cars lined up on the Monaco grid ready to commence the 78 lap race - the drivers revving loudly - Anakin’s competitive spirit kicked in, and his adrenaline began to pump. Many celebrities had turned out to watch the race, donning their
finest linen shirts and best poseur sunglasses, all discussing the surprise Red Bull entries. Among the champagne-sipping crowd were Brad and Angelina (who were later chastised for copulating in Schumacher’s car pre-race) and playboy Prince Albert and Princess Caroline of Monaco. Also in the crowd were the disgruntled pairing of Captain Kirk (William Shatner) and Dr Spock (Leonard Nimoy), infuriated that they weren’t even considered for the race - there were more Trekkie films after all. David Beckham was also spotted, unshackled from a pregnant pouting Posh, whom he had left looking after their other three children in Madrid.Despite being off on a jolly, Beckham was a disappointed man, left to lament that
fellow-Brit Button was starting the race back in seventh place, appalling given the rich success that his countrymen had achieved at Monaco in the past. Indeed, Becks pointed out to the pretty supermodel beside him that it had been an Englishman, William Grover-Williams in a Bugatti, who had won the first ever Grand Prix here in 1929, and also how Graham Hill, father of Damon, had won the race five times to become known as the ‘Master of Monaco’. His patriotic moans were soon interrupted by the public address system. “Gentlemen, and Jedis, please start your engines.”
When the lights changed to green Anakin eased past Räikkönen at the first Sainte Devote corner, giving a cackle into his snotty helmet (his sinuses were still playing havoc) as he sped into third place. Similarly, Luke, who had used his team-mate’s slip stream, nipped in ahead of the Italian Fisichella before the bend.
After that initial bend, and barring a collision between the back runners Sato and Massa, the field soon settled into a shape that, because of the lack of opportunities to overtake, remained much the same until cars began to re-fuel at around the 35 lap mark. As race leader, the wily German technocrat Michael Schumacher had established a healthy margin between himself and the chasing pack, with the second-placed Fernando Alonso preoccupied with Anakin’s darting and aggressive attempts to pass him. Kimi Räikkönen and Skywalker Jr. followed close behind.
On lap 37 Schumacher headed into the pits, having established a ten second lead over Alonso and Anakin. Alonso held out for longer, with the aim to re-fuel a couple of laps later, in the hope that Schumacher’s progress, when behind him, would be stalled by slow back markers who were being lapped. When Alonso re-fuelled, Anakin raced clear, eating up the track. With less fuel in his tank and a clear track ahead, and having mastered the braking and control required through Loews, Anakin achieved the quickest lap time of 1:13.023, over a second quicker than Schumacher’s 2004 record. It was only until his team technicians had been shouting to him through his head unit for three laps did he finally, and reluctantly come in to re-fuel.
The pit stop was quick, much to Anakin’s delight, however he lost precious seconds exiting the pit lane, as Aussie driver Mark Webber had stalled his Williams-Cosworth. Livid in the knowledge that Schumacher would have overtaken him, Anakin bolted out of the pit lane, when Webber eventually moved aside. Determined to catch the German leader, Anakin was throwing caution to the wind. So much so that, on Anthony Noghes, the final corner before the pits (luckily), he clipped a chevron, causing a 360 degree spin, before righting his car. The clip had caused his car to combust. Despite flames licking all around him, Anakin managed to manoeuvre the vehicle into the pits.
The mechanics managed to extinguish the fire, and the medical team ran to the smouldering driver’s aid, but they were ushered away by the cloaked doctor. The hooded physician mumbled incomprehensibles, while an eerie darkness fell over the entire track. Suddenly an electric explosion lit the Red Bull pits. Brad choked on his champagne, Shatner stopped his incessant moaning, and Angelina got dressed. From the smoke rose a black helmet-clad giant of a man, or was he more machine now than man? Anakin had reverted to Darth Vader, right hand man to the Emperor and the most feared character in the galaxy. And after all that anger management therapy, too.
While the newly re-formed Vader rejoined the race, Luke was making steady progress. Having overcome both Räikkönen and Alonso through a stealthy pit stop – in which he utilised R2-D2’s mechanical expertise ahead of the human hands of Team Red Bull – Luke began hearing familiar mechanical rasping in his earpiece. He felt a disturbance in the force, a sadness in his heart, and a buzzing in his ear that signalled the go-ahead to take control as the number one driver.
Luke sped ahead, tried to push thoughts of Vader to the back of his mind and concentrate on the task before him, instead of contemplating the endless ‘I told you so’s’ he’d get off Princess Leia about believing his father had mended his hell-raising ways. With a new found determination, the Jedi attempted to overtake race leader-Schumacher in the tunnel, despite the narrow track and tight turns. He’d navigated his way through the sharp corners of the Death Star, with Vader on his tail, no cover and guns surrounding him, so this was a cakewalk, he had told himself. Sure enough, displaying powers above and beyond the rest of the field, he passed the seven-time world champion to claim the lead.
Several corners behind him Vader sensed through the force, dark and dingy as it was on his side of the morality street, that Luke was pushing ahead, nearing victory, with only ten laps to go. Enraged, the Dark Lord of the Sith broke the strict FIA protocols that forbade him from using the force, sending a wall of tyres crashing down before Luke’s car. Skywalker swerved, almost losing R2 in the process, but regained control of the car, leaving the tyres flying hazardously on the tarmac behind him.
In a callous move, Vader elevated some unassuming Ewoks among the crowd and threw them, speeding towards his son in the distance. The Ewoks flew through the air, exchanging terrified looks as they hurtled towards the Jedi’s car. But then, in a move anticipated by no one (bar George Lucas and a nodding Steven Spielberg), the furry-forest-dwellers-in-transit were rescued by the towering Chewbacca, who had jumped down from the casino, where he had been cleaning up on the high roller black-jack table. Taking the Ewoks safely in his arms, Chewie then repelled them back onto Vader’s vehicle, where they set about grabbing and pulling away pieces from the torched metal.
The distraction of the Ewoks across his coachworks was taking its toll on Vader and desperate measures were needed to escape the hot fuzz. In a bold move he departed the Red Bull car beside the marina, and took control of George Clooney’s yacht, harboured nearby ready for the wedding festivities of Brad and Ange.
Launching it full force towards the track, Vader directed the vessel towards Luke’s speeding car at tremendous speed. Silence fell as members of the crowd put their hands to their mouths and waited for the inevitable collision. There was no way out.
Suddenly, from nowhere, the familiar sight of the Millennium Falcon swooped into view, firing at the oversized boat and exploding it – and its notorious pilot – into thousands of expensive pieces (which were later collected and auctioned on eBay). Onlookers commented that even from the sky above Monte Carlo, they could hear the raucous celebrations of Captain Solo, as Luke crossed the line and was hailed by the chequered flag.
